I love it when a plan comes together.

Tuesday night...

I thought about wearing a satin nighty, but then thought maybe a corset, and finally settled on my birthday suit.  I switched the sheets and fell asleep on top of them hoping for a late night visit from DH.

DH woke me with a strong grip pulling me into his arms.   Then his mouth was biting the top of my breast.  For almost an hour he bit, pinched, twisted, and abused my breasts.  He had me begging and sobbing for him when the pain finally pushed me into subspace.  He rolled me onto my knees and took me from behind.

Afterward he held me as I trembled and when I thought we had finished he brought me to the edge and over again with a vibrator. 

Wednesday ...

Just sliding out of bed sends sparks of pain/pleasure throughout my body.  The ride to work had me soaking wet and sending dirty texts to DH.   My day was long and crazy, filled with surprise moments of arousal from how sensitive my nipples were.  When I got home DH told me he wanted to just relax and watch TV so I set another naked trap.

When he came to bed I snuggled up and spooned my naked rear to his front.  It was less than 5 minutes before we were fucking like bunnies.  My poor breasts couldn't take much abuse but the little rubs and kisses were just as intense.

I guess we can say my plan worked out for more than just one night.

I feel like we are moving forward.  We still have long strides ahead of us and our communication is still spotty but I am hopeful that he might be enjoying what we have tried and be willing for more. 

We have another big date night planned for Saturday we're going to La Bec Fin a five star restaurant in Philly. (My birthday gift to myself) I am hopeful that the after time will be even better than Tuesday.

Bratty Day

Sometimes it is just a bratty day.  I’ve been stuck in meeting all day that went no where, agued endlessly with people so dense the floor should have collapsed.  I‘ve had to repeat to the whiny people the polite phrase “while I’m sure that is the way you feel the system should be this is the way it does work”, adding in my own mind, “therefore put you big boy pants on and deal!!!!!”  I know my blog has been mostly the needy sub side of me but I don’t have any soul searching or angst today. 

DH was sick last night so no nookie for me.  To add to my bratty mood I know DH won’t be home till after midnight.  I’m probably not getting any tonight since he rarely wakes me up for sex.  I have to get up at 4am to go into work so staying up isn’t an option.  I guess if I'm going to orgasm tonight I'll be solo but that is hardly as fun. 

I know self bondage is possible but I'm not qualified... yet.  Hmm, imagination is the key to my arousal, so I’m going to: 

1) let my inner brat/dom out and come up with some publicly/private games that I 

think DH should play with me.  

2) Chat with friends 

3) Catch up on the blogs 

4) try to orgasm as much as possible.  

5) Finally I'll dress in my best nighty and fall asleep on top of the covers.  Maybe 

I might get a wake up call.

STEP 1

Ok since e-mails are recorded and snoopy co-workers always look over a shoulder or read text messages a kinky code is needed.

..     ----  Knees/Thighs together when sitting or standing

._.   ----   Knees/Thighs barely touching when sitting/standing

.__.  ---  K/T far apart as publicly acceptable when sitting/standing

*     ---- Clench pussy

Abb  --- Arm behind back as if cuffed (easily hidden as natural in an office chair)

BP   --- Best posture, chest out, mostly hard because I become aware of my nipples.

Kn  --- Drop something and assume a kneeling slave position before looking for or picking it up.

StB  --- Strip in the bathroom.  All you have to do is take the shirt and bra off completely and put them back on.

NT  --- Nipple touch  must find a way to discretely/quickly touch your nipples with a pen, notebook, edge of the desk anything you can to make it look accidental.

You could add numbers after the codes to indicate minutes or times to do something.

This would work for any public place.  I’m sure there are many more public hidden games I’m not thinking of.   

.... Let you know how the rest of the steps go :)

Shutting down the Mind

I think as women we want to analyze and think everything within an inch of its life.  I started my day yesterday with the intent to 'talk' with DH (dear husband) when he got home about him not living up to our agreement and communicating what he wanted/liked to me.  He was gone for the day and I had a rare 10 hours with nothing that needed doing. 

I spent most of it touring some of my new favorite blogs and finding more to enjoy.  I even tried my hand at writing some erotica (a lot harder than writing fiction with some steamy parts).  I enjoyed some time in the FetChat rooms and met some wonderful people.  Basically I spent the whole day reading or writing about BDSM.

By the time for DH to be home rolled around I was so worked up that I almost orgasmed at the sound of the front door.  But still a part of my mind was ready for disappointment knowing he had spent a long day out and about while I had been relaxing.  He grabbed and kissed me the minute we were within reach of one another and it shut my brain down.

What followed was a wonderful and fun night of loving.  I didn't ask or talk,  I just enjoyed what we had.  It is a hard balance to find between comunication and patience.  I know I forget sometimes that this is not just about me.  If I am truely submissive I need to think about his needs as much as if not more than my own.  Sometimes I just need to let life happen and not think so much.

Time Stops

Eight Days ago at 10:15pm my mother called me with one sentence that pulled me out of every petty thought and stupid mundane thing that had been running around in my head.  "Your uncle is dead."  I thought for sure I was mistaken and that it was a horrible mistake.  He was only 60 and had no health issues that I knew of.  But he had died alone in his backyard to be discovered by his wife after a long day at work.

He was my godfather, a man that was bigger than life, always joking and teasing.  His abrupt death caused me to lose my grip on the now and float in disbelief.   My husband somehow knew what I needed and held me for hours but also when I tossed and turned in our bed for over an hour he held me down until I was able to be still then we celebrated life and sensation until I was so tired nothing could have kept me awake.

By day I had to deal with a grandmother with dementia, an aunt who's world had been shattered and a father stoically grieving.  My Grandmother hated me and loved me by turns blaming me for her son's death and accusing me of lying, but I was the only one who would/could take care of her.  My mother cared for my father,  my Aunt was surrounded by her side of the family who didn't know me and my husband was needed to be the one running around doing all the preparations needed when large amounts of out of town family comes in.  I felt completely alone.

By night my husband stilled me.  It wasn't anything outside the vanilla box but he quieted my mind with pleasure every time I started to go off the rails mentally.  It was everything I thought I needed and I was grateful.  Unfortunately by Wednesday, when it was just us again, my emotions had built to an almost toxic level. 

I returned to work and felt totally adrift.  I needed pain and the release it gives me.   All day I dug my nails into my arms and sides to give myself that shot of clarity and reality.  By the time I was home and alone with my husband I was desperate for something both mental and physical.  I needed validation and release both physically and mentally.  I used every part of my body and every trick I could think of to drive him crazy then when the moment was right I encouraged him until he was biting all the right bits in just the way I needed.

In my grief, and since it has been so long since I've allowed my masochistic side out, I forgot all about the emotional dangers of playing with pain.   When we were done I needed comfort and praise.  I was in the zone  but on a razors edge and he didn't know, nor looking back on it now could he have known.  An innocent questions of " Did you like it when I ...." from me and a response of  "It was fine"  turned into a three hour conversation that swirled out of control because I was an emotional wreck. 

I know one of the main reasons that I enjoy the submission side of the equation is a lack of sexual self confidence.  To get a little egotistical for a minute,  I know that I am one of the smartest people I know, I belong to mensa,  I have a degree in theoretical math, I am amazing at my job and on the whole have no self confidence issues with anything except anything that deals with sexual topics.   To hear a night that blew your mind described of as "fine" and even after 3 hours of conversation with a man I have been sleeping with for over 7 years , I couldn't get one compliment about anything sexual I was and am distraught.

We came to an agreement .  We were going to try and have sex every day and while I know he's not going to become a talker overnight he would tell me at least one thing he enjoyed any time we have sex.  I didn't even mention anything of pain or bondage figuring that could come later.   

Now  three days later I'm mentally ready to face everyone but am still in a constant state of unhappiness and I don't know if I just need patience or have to approach it again with my husband.  The first night of our deal was awful I could tell he was almost angry about having a scheduled sex session.  Nothing came together right, he wouldn't let me do anything to pleasure him and when he finally got a single orgasm out of me he left and went to the store.  Next two nights was sort of better biting and pain was wonderful for me and he seemed to enjoy himself but again afterwards was silence.  

I wonder if I've lost my mind.  The physical side of sex is soo much better since I've opened up my wants to him but it's like I've lost something emotionally.   I'm not sure if the pain makes me need more emotionally or if we've actually lost something emotionally.

Too much too fast

It is amazing to me how much you can think you know someone and be completely wrong.  I've been dropping suggestions and hints to my husband for months about wanting to add kink to our bedroom and I thought I had been clear about wanting BDSM.

When my husband and I first met (as friends) the group we met through consisted of 80% of people in the BDSM lifestyle and the other 20% were open and accepting but not participants.  I thought everyone was aware of what went on at home, but I was wrong.  Not only did my now husband not know, he was and is completely unaware of anything but the most general stereo types.

I wrote him a confession trying to clearly state what I had been hinting at for months, and to say it didn't go well is an understatement.  He had responded enthusiastically and imediately to the previous requests for biting and light play so I had though he would be up for more intense things.  I wrote him the following four things just needing the conversation to be started hoping that he would at least be intrigued.

1)      I would like a Dominance/Submission relationship with you to what ever level you are comfortable with.  (Me as the submissive if my hints have sucked really bad)

2)      I would like you to use pain on me.

3)      I would like us to try out a BDSM social group because I love exhibitionism

4)      If we do join one I would like to be allowed to play with other women.

I never thought four sentences could hurt more but I spent an hour trying to convince him I wasn't asking for a hall pass to cheat.  Then the next 3 hours trying to explain what D/s is and why I like it.  Now I'm terrified and scared.  He says he's willing to consider and try things but I need to be very specific.

I'm lost and I can't seem to make him understand how hard that is for me.  I should have left out the exhibitionist part because I think he won't consider attending Munches now and I had hoped he might find a dominent to become friends with and learn things from. 

I know I've crossed a line and I can't go back, but the future scares me. 

I can't go back to completely vanilla again.  I feel like a vital part of me has been asleep for years and it has woken up hungry.  For me D/s removes the uncertainty from a relationship.  As a submissive if you do well you are praised, badly you are punished.  You strive to anticipate the needs of your partner but they also make clear if you have suceeded or not. 

I've started dreaming about the pain and the rush I feel along with it.  That moment when hurt melts into something that just opens you up and the tears flow uncontrolled releasing all the frustration and confusion inside you.  I have always been emotionally on the submissive/bottom side and it leaves me confused as to what to tell my husband about being a dom.

I really never thought about what goes on in dominants heads.  I know how to answer why do I like what I like but I don't even have a clue as to what to say when he asked me what would he get out of it except to be doing what I wanted.  Why would he like it?

Tonight we're supposed to try a little scene and dip his toes in.  Here is praying that I haven't broken what we had for a dream of what we could have.

Rediscovering Me

Who am I?  I hope to share my journey back into submission with anyone who is interested.  This post is to tell you where I'm coming from and the blog will hopefully find people willing to give advice, help me, or watch me find my way back to a happy D/s life.

Sexuallity is something I've always believed was something I comfortable with.  In my early twenties if asked I would call myself bi-hetero.  I loved womens bodies almost more than mens but I only found emotional security with a man.  I knew I loved aggressive partners who knew and told me exactly what they wanted.  I found several months of true bliss at 23 with a mistress who took me constantly to the edge of my limits of pain and pleasure.  She introduced me to real world D/s. 

Unfortunately time and a bad relationship put me back into the slightly kinky vanilla world and then marriage to a wonderfully skilled but vanilla man and kids slowly sapped all the kink out of me.   I've been growing unhappier for 5 years.  I lost my sexual identity.  I became mom and worker, I wasn't even wife anymore since we had decieded not to have more children so my reson for having vanilla sex was gone.  It didn't help that 4 years ago I became ill and ended up in a wheelchair for 2 years.  I thought my husband didn't want me and was too embarrassed to ask, and he thought I was too hurt for sex.  

When a year ago I physically fully recovored and still nothing happened I gave up.  In the year that followed we had sex only twice.  Then about six months ago my husband woke me up and was pinning me down to the bed.  It shattered something inside me and I was a crazy horny woman again begging for him to make me orgasm.  I asked him wat made him pin me like that and just take me without any descusion or foreplay.  I've always fallen asleep listening to audio books and over the past year the books that I had bought had gone from sci fi to light fantasy to urban fantasy and then paranormal romance.  He told me that for over a month evertime he would come into the bedroom I would be asleep but the stories I had been listening to had graphic sex scenes and he finally couldn't take it anymore. 

It still took a week for me to get up the nerve to ask for sex again but that one time renewed my desire and I started consciously seeking out erotica and masturbating.  Just the thought of My husband holding me down makes me wet and I knew that BDSM was what I wanted.  The world has changed since I last sought this out.  What ten years ago was difficult to find now is so easy although still filled with crazies and ignorants.

I've started the first steps with my husband and vaguely admitted, though probably not well enough, what I want.  He has started trying some spanking and restraining.  I've even gotten some minor dirty talk out of him.  We're back on the sex as often as we can ride but it is still not enough for me.
The hardest part for me is admitting what I need and want.  He has only the minimum of fantasies but will try anything I specifically ask for.  But how do you ask for things your not sure of?  I'm the dominent one socially and at work but sexually I can only dominate for others pleasure not my own.  I've seen hints that he might have it in him to dominate but I don't know how to draw that out.

Anyway I hope sharing this journey with you who understand at least a little will help me find my way.