Rediscovering Me

Who am I?  I hope to share my journey back into submission with anyone who is interested.  This post is to tell you where I'm coming from and the blog will hopefully find people willing to give advice, help me, or watch me find my way back to a happy D/s life.

Sexuallity is something I've always believed was something I comfortable with.  In my early twenties if asked I would call myself bi-hetero.  I loved womens bodies almost more than mens but I only found emotional security with a man.  I knew I loved aggressive partners who knew and told me exactly what they wanted.  I found several months of true bliss at 23 with a mistress who took me constantly to the edge of my limits of pain and pleasure.  She introduced me to real world D/s. 

Unfortunately time and a bad relationship put me back into the slightly kinky vanilla world and then marriage to a wonderfully skilled but vanilla man and kids slowly sapped all the kink out of me.   I've been growing unhappier for 5 years.  I lost my sexual identity.  I became mom and worker, I wasn't even wife anymore since we had decieded not to have more children so my reson for having vanilla sex was gone.  It didn't help that 4 years ago I became ill and ended up in a wheelchair for 2 years.  I thought my husband didn't want me and was too embarrassed to ask, and he thought I was too hurt for sex.  

When a year ago I physically fully recovored and still nothing happened I gave up.  In the year that followed we had sex only twice.  Then about six months ago my husband woke me up and was pinning me down to the bed.  It shattered something inside me and I was a crazy horny woman again begging for him to make me orgasm.  I asked him wat made him pin me like that and just take me without any descusion or foreplay.  I've always fallen asleep listening to audio books and over the past year the books that I had bought had gone from sci fi to light fantasy to urban fantasy and then paranormal romance.  He told me that for over a month evertime he would come into the bedroom I would be asleep but the stories I had been listening to had graphic sex scenes and he finally couldn't take it anymore. 

It still took a week for me to get up the nerve to ask for sex again but that one time renewed my desire and I started consciously seeking out erotica and masturbating.  Just the thought of My husband holding me down makes me wet and I knew that BDSM was what I wanted.  The world has changed since I last sought this out.  What ten years ago was difficult to find now is so easy although still filled with crazies and ignorants.

I've started the first steps with my husband and vaguely admitted, though probably not well enough, what I want.  He has started trying some spanking and restraining.  I've even gotten some minor dirty talk out of him.  We're back on the sex as often as we can ride but it is still not enough for me.
The hardest part for me is admitting what I need and want.  He has only the minimum of fantasies but will try anything I specifically ask for.  But how do you ask for things your not sure of?  I'm the dominent one socially and at work but sexually I can only dominate for others pleasure not my own.  I've seen hints that he might have it in him to dominate but I don't know how to draw that out.

Anyway I hope sharing this journey with you who understand at least a little will help me find my way.